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Snape {er} ... Answers Your Questions!

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Friday July 20, 2012

Dear Snape,

I have a problem, you see. I can't seem to be able to keep a boyfriend. You know how ones boyfriend usually has to pass the dad test? Well... mine has to pass the brother test, and sadly none of them can. My brother just scares them all away. Now being out of school, I find that I am perfectly capable of running my own life, which mean choosing my own boyfriend. Do you know a way of getting my brother to leave me and my significant other alone?

P.S. don't say 'get a more intimidating boyfriend' because my brother is tall and buff and a fourth degree blackbelt in tae kwon do.


over protected sister

Boo! · 0 spooks

Friday October 20, 2006

Yahoo! Avatars

Yahoo! Avatars
And Draco

went through the hassle of forcing

Yahoo! Avatars

into a costume to wish you a very early happy Halloween!
Boo! · 3 spooks

107: Oh Noes! Be Careful, Draco. [
Friday September 22, 2006

Dear Snape,

I was seeing this really great wizard last year at Hogwarts. He was this great looking blond and every girl in Slytherin wanted him (Some of the guys too!). I was surprised when he showed an interest in me because I'm not very attractive. In fact, I'm rather big and ugly and most boys just find me terrifying.

One day, this boy started showing interest in me. At first, I just thought it was some kind of cruel joke. But one night I was alone in the Slytherin common
room, and we started talking. He opened up to me, and I opened up to him. He actually listened to me, and the words he spoke made me feel special and loved. I felt like I had never known anyone as well as I knew him in that moment. I had never told anyone the things I shared with him that night. We ended the conversation with a passionate kiss, and for months after that we conducted a love affair right under the noses of our peers.

I must admit that I fell deeply in love with him. He said he reciprocated these feelings, and I believed him. I still believe him. We spent many nights holding each other, just comforting him in his time of need, and many others just whispering endearments to each other and snuggling naked together on the floor by a fireplace in the Room of Requirement; both tired from our strenuous love-making. Our love was so pure and deep that I can never imagine loving anyone else for as long as I live.

But one night, he vanished. He warned me many months before that he probably would, but the night when it happened still shattered my heart into a million
pieces. I know that he is now on the run and hiding from the Ministry. Please, Professor Snape. I beg of you, please tell me how I can find him. I must see him
again. Even if it is just one more time. I must know that his love for me really does run as deeply as mine does for him.

Broken Hearted Slytherin M.B.


Holy bloody Merlin. ::smacks his forehead::

Oh my... ::giggles::

Do tell, boy. For once I'd like to hear you talk.

::to Snape:: Shut up, you.

I quite agree with Severus. Let's hear it.

::ignores them:: For the last bloody time, Millicent... I AM NOT YOUR LOVER. I never was. I never will be. You are delusional, and entirely right in your self-description.

::smacks his head:: That's so insensitive. If she's crazy, the last thing she needs is you bringing her further down.

No, he's right, Sarah. Millicent Bulstrode is one of those... steer-like girls. There was one in your year, if I remember correctly.

Are you talking about Veronica Ingwell?


::shudders, then walks off in a daze::

What was that about?

Veronica Ingwell threw Sarah over a fence when they were in their first year. She was in the hospital wing for a week.




Oh well. Millicent, I'll send you an owl with Draco's direct contact information.

Boo! · 4 spooks

106: Shake Your Money Maker Like Somebody 'Bout To Pay Ya. [
Friday September 22, 2006

Dear Snape

I've got this, um, friend. Named, um, Charlize. Charlize is somewhat, um, enamoured of a certain teacher of mi-hers. Yes. Hers. And she doesnt know what to do since he left, and, um, she doesnt know if she should, um, move on or, yanno, stay faithful to her love of, um, her teacher. She, um, cant stand all the names people call him. And I--She. She always freaks out when it happens, but she, um, cant do anything because I--She. She is very shy. What should, um, my friend Charlize do?

Signed NotCharlizeISwear


Perhaps CHARLIZE should learn proper grammar.

Play nice.

I am damn tired of letters like these. I am not what these inane little schoolgirls want... They want an ideal, and if they knew anything about me beyond what rumours they hear in class, they would run for the bloody hills.

You're telling me.

Yep. That whole leaving-your-skivvies-behind-the-loo-door thing is terribly unattractive.
Boo! · 3 spooks

105: L-E-X-Y, & You Know She's So Fly. [
Saturday July 22, 2006

Dear Snape,
Dingo's ate my baby.

Much love, The crazed one.
Hold up. I was just kidding.
I have an ex. This ex is a moron. This ex is dating my best friend. I wish to brutally tear this ex's jugular out, tie it around his femur which I plan to rip out with my teeth and beat him over the head with it. Did Imention I'm in love with my best friend? Help?

Love much,



So... What exactly is stopping you from doing it?


I mean... have you told your best friend how you feel? Because they might be a bit offended if you destroy their significant other without explaining first.

I actually have a femur that I'm willing to sell, if you'd like... It'll save you clean-up time.

That is not helpful, Draco. The idea of this column is to help people SOLVE their problems, not help them create legal ones.

Hey, I have things that can help them flee the legal problems, too!

::squints:: Are you still making copies of that flyer I told you to incinerate?

Er.... no...

::leaps upon Draco, pinning him to the ground. She begins digging through his robes, eventually holding aloft a piece of bright blue parchment:: I KNEW it! How many times have I told you that I don't want any other random people on the lam here!

::still under Sarah's knees:: I thought that 'Sarah's Bed & Breakfast for Fugatives' was catchy!

::stands up:: I'm going to check your room, and merlin help you if I find another of these! ::dashes out::

::offers a hand to Draco:: Eventually she's going to figure out that you do this just so that she'll paw you looking for the damned things.

Yeah... I know. ::sighs::
Boo! · 5 spooks

104: 'Cause I'm Bossy. [
Friday July 14, 2006

Dear Snape,

This woman I work with is constantly talking about her cat, Fancy Face. She sits between the break room, and the copy room, and right next to the water cooler so she is hard as hell to avoid. Any time you walk past she stops you to discuss Fancy Face and it's torturous.

My Admin and myself have been planning for some time to kill the cat, but in some way, I feel like this is not the cat's fault. As a matter of fact, she has several pictures of the cat dressed up in dolls clothing and I can't help but think the look on the cat's face is one of utter contempt.

If the cat hates her, the cat can't be half bad.

So, if killing the cat is out, what else would you suggest?


Wicked at work


First of all, let me say that you are my type of woman - planning murder is always a proper option, though I am much more of the opinion that you should kill the woman as opposed to her cat.

I hate people who dress up their cats. And are obsessed with their cats. And who have cats.

::to Snape:: She's still upset, you should run... t-minus three, two, one...

::screaming at Snape:: HOW COULD YOU?!?! Bootsie was so cute and you cut him up for your vile potion!

You ASKED me to make it!

I didn't know it required ESSENCE OF KITTEN! And what exactly warranted leaving his TAIL on my PILLOW?!

::continue back and forth in the background::

Well, looking at this problem, I'd say put a lock on her office door that only opens from the outside with a key that YOU hold. Thanks for writing!
Boo! · 4 spooks

103: Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match. [
Monday July 10, 2006

Dear Professor Snape,

Two weeks ago, my ex boyfriend got in touch with me. That first night, we talked on the phone for three hours. Then I went to see him at the apartment we got together three years ago. We've talked a few times since, we've hung out and went to the movies. I even rescued him from having to walk ten miles to get home. Dilemma? Our break up was brutal. I loathed him with ever inch of my being. Now, I don't care. I love him still, yes. However he is a dirt ball. The apartment is filthy, he doesn't give a damn about himself anymore, and he's gotten back into drugs.

I don't know if I should be the friend he needs right now, or if I should back away and let him destroy himself moreso than he has. I don't know if I should keep hating him or let him back in. It felt so nice to talk to him again, be near him. Is that the memories or is it genuine? I'm utterly confused and lost. Please help.


Should I Stay or Should I Go?


Are you a total idiot? Leave him the hell alone. Stop being an enabler - he has to fix himself. Don't HATE him, that takes more effort than he's worth. Just because you had a few laughs together doesn't mean you should go crawling back the second he says he's sorry.

But what if he IS sorry?

And what if he's not? I can scream all day long that I'm the queen of Nigeria, that doesn't make it true.

But what if he really needs a friend?

If he can afford drugs, he can certainly afford a therapist. Problem solved.

... Sometimes, you are really just no help at all.

Well, I don't see YOU solving any dilemmas here.
Boo! · 3 spooks

102: Aiyah. [
Monday July 10, 2006

Dear Snape

Woe is me. I have a "friend" who is wearing on a few peoples nerves in our group. She recently is trying to join a group that we had mentioned to her. Problem is, I don't want her in it, much less with me! What am I to do? Please help!


Stingy Groupie


Memory charm.

Kill her.

Tell her that the group no longer exists, then yell, 'Look, a bear!' and run.

Is THAT what you've been doing? Creating distractions?

Errr... LOOK! A BEAR! ::runs::
Boo! · 3 spooks

101: I'm The Juggernaut, Bitch! [
Tuesday June 13, 2006

Dear Snape,

alright, so, for a job during the summer hols, i take care of my great-gran at night. i wouldn't mind, cause it pays well, except i get a bit nervy being alone in a big empty house with no protection. see, the only people that live there are my gran, my great-gran and their little dog. none of these living breathing things offer much protection, and i generally get very scared and paranoid that there's someone in the house or summat. i'm alright when there's someone all protective there, but, i hate to be alone at night. any advice so i won't die of a panic attack?

in love and devotion,

p.s i would particularly like to hear draco's take on my issue


::look at Draco expectantly::


You're not going to say something sexual here?

Like how you'd keep her company in that big, empty house?

I'm not a faucet, you know. I can't just be turned on, pardon the pun, and I don't DO requests.

Okay, whatever.

Freaked & Frightened, I recommend that you calm down, and remember that boogey monsters don't exist.

However... werewolves, ghosts, vampires, mummies, goblins, poltergeists, elves, gnomes, and idiots do.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Boo! · 6 spooks

100: Triple Digits & A Triumphant Return. [
Tuesday June 13, 2006

Dear Snape and co,

Are you gone? We miss you and your letters! Please come back!



No, we're not gone.

There have just been several things that caused another, sudden hiatus.

Like how I blew up the basement. Accidentally and all.
Boo! · 6 spooks

099: I Ain't Used To Moving Slow Like Ketchup In A Bottle. [
Monday May 1, 2006

Dear Mr. Snape:

According to our information, the underage wizard Draco Malfoy under your roof has been commiting dangerous magic against your person. While he claims to be dissecting, he is, in fact, creating and experimenting with a voodoo doll of yourself, which would explain the problems of back pain and ill performance in your bedroom that you reported last week at our forum. We hope you will take the measures you feel appropiate, always within the consent of your lady, and keeping your hair nice and clean.

Yours in service,
The Asociation for Dull Idiots Willing to Get Sef-Improving Comments.

PS: How does it feel to be the one locked up this time???

HIS roof? Excuse me?

Why would I waste my time creating a voodoo doll? Hello, I do have a wand, you know.

Ill performance in bed?! Who are you dunces and how dare you spread such slanderous slanderous filth? And furthermore, what damnable 'forum' do you speak of? And my hair is plenty clean, not that it's any of your business... ::continues raving for quite some time::

While we thank you for your interest in Severus's health, we'll kindly have to request that you, er, leave us the hell alone. ::to herself:: You make an advice column and you find people who think they know all about YOU, I'll bet Dear Abby doesn't have these problems...


So sorry about that unexpected hiatus, but we're back full time now. ♥♥♥
Boo! · 10 spooks

098: They Say Don't Trust You Me We Us. [
Friday April 7, 2006

Dear Snape (And Sarah And Malfoy And Readers):

okay, remember my i-can't-find-a-guy letter a few entries back? have some continuity. i found a guy. he's was funny and sweet and nice and we had a perfectly happy relationship until his ex who he hadn't talking to in several years calls just to check up on him and he decides he can't be with me 'cause he's still in love with her, even though he has feelings for me. i know i'd take him back in a heartbeat, but, i don't know...

I Think My Love Life Sucks

Give him an ultimatum: either she goes or you do. Don't be a pansy, stick to your guns on this one. If he chooses her, then so be it. Leave him.

Now, wait a moment, Sarah, I don't think you're being entirely sensitive to his plight.

His PLIGHT? Pray tell, Severus, what PLIGHT might THAT be? The reemergence of some tramp in low-cut robes? Oh, forgive me, I'm weeping for him as we speak.

Maybe he loved her, did you ever think of that?

I happen to be of the opinion that a man is not truly in love until he is completely broken, until he is in a state of utter dependence.

... She has a point, boy.

This poor writer's boyfriend is clearly not in that state, as he was able to rise from sobbing on the floor to hook up with our unsuspecting reader.

Maybe he's just strong!

And maybe you're yelling at the woman who feeds and clothes you.

::huffs off::

So, Love Life, you heard me. It's either you or her, and if he picks her, then damn him to hell and go out to a bar.
Boo! · 8 spooks

097: I'm On Tonight, You Know My Hips Don't Lie & I'm Starting To Feel You, Boy. [
Friday March 24, 2006

Dear Snape,

How do I stop people from talking to me as if I'm their friend? I hate them all, and apparantly my death glares don't seem to penetrate their thick headed exteriors. Last year they would all steer clear of me, but now they're acting as if I'm some sort of...chum.


Aggravated Individual

Carry a Beater's club with you. They'll get the message. Oh, and I was supposed to tell everyone... a few weeks ago... Sarah and The Bastard took off until April first. They left a note, something about St. Petersburg and telling you all as soon as possible and not to get blood stains on the hardwoods... well, you get the idea.
Boo! · 5 spooks

096: You Know It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp. [
Saturday March 11, 2006

Dear Snape,

Let me give you a bit of background on myself before I state my question. I'm... in this 'organization' you could say that supposedly helps people, been in it for awhile now due to taming snakes and being able to speak to them. Also I kind of... like to drink, a lot really, even when on job supposedly. I'd been on the edge for awhile and they finally snapped.

I mean, a bit of... a female group thing mixed in with drinking and some... illegal substances isn't a bad thing, right? But for this I was kicked out of the organization and told to get into rehab which I haven't.

I've been thinking about going against them by myself, with a group, or just leaving it alone like it never happened.

What do you think? Should I destory them or leave it alone?


Ticked Off

By 'female group', do you mean 'lesbian orgy', by any chance?

What have I told you?

::heavy sigh:: No fantasizing about the people who write us letters.

Yes. Now apologize.

::grimace:: Ticked Off, I apologize.

Now go to your room.

::stomps upstairs, slams door::

::yelling:: And no dissecting until tomorrow!

Now, Ticked Off, you should probably cut your losses and leave the group be. In most situations, groups such as yours simply implode upon themselves, and you'll want to be far away when that happens.

Oh, you mean implode like when former members switch sides, and give vital information to enemy groups?

Yes, Sarah, that's exactly what I mean.

Don't we know someone who was in a situation like that? I could swear we do...

::deadpan:: You're hilarious. Utterly hysterical.

Oh, darling. You don't have to tell me that. I already know.
Boo! · 5 spooks

095: Oh My Merlin. [
Tuesday March 7, 2006

To one Mister Draco Malfoy,

It has come to our attention here at WETA U.K.: Wizards for the Ethical Treatment of Animals - United Kingdom, that a certain animal dissection "hobby" of yours is not as such, but a depraved act of violence against innocent animals. We politely ask you to please immediately refrain from these horrendous acts!

Our team of paralegalwizards are standing by to accept your due apology to the animal kingdom on behalf of WETA, so that no further action may be taken against you or your magical guardians.

Thank you very much for your time and understanding.

Join the WETA team for animal rights!

Yours most sincerely,

Bestia R. Libertas
Wizards for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, United Kingdom

Oh, bullocks.

What? ::reads over his shoulder:: WETA? I agree. Hippie bastards.

Okay, listen here, you reefer-smoking, free-loving, anarchistic blowhards. Shut up. That's all there is to it. If you like being able to take medication, you're all for the TESTING I perform. Animals don't have rights, and they are perfect scientific subjects. Science is for the betterment of wizardkind, and if you don't accept that, then you can shove your bongs and your Jefferson Airplane LPs up your already-tight arses.

And stay the hell away from me, you psycho morons.
Boo! · 7 spooks

094: Grease Is The Word. [
Sunday March 5, 2006

Dear Snape,

My mother has decided to disregard the fact that I have certain rights, as a teenager. IE, she's not allowed in my room without permission, and if she IS in my room, she's not supposed to talk at me out things I don't care about when I'm obviously busy, or touch my cat. She's also taken to reading over my shoulder when I'm on the computer, all the time, without even bothering to try and make it seem like she's not.

This is greatly infuriating. What can I do? I'm going to go insane if it doesn't stop. I -need- my space.

Stressed out,
Violated in Violet

Teenagers have rights? This is news to me.

Is that why you've been rifling through my research?

::smirking:: No, your 'research' just gives me a laugh.

You sound quite emo there, Violated. Turn down the My Chemical Romance and look at it from your mum's point of view. Maybe - just maybe - she cares about you and wants what's best for you. Maybe she's worried about who you're talking to on the oh-so-dangerous internet. It would seem that you don't support yourself, that your mum buys your clothes and food and shelter. Therefore, no, you do not have rights. Until you are an adult, you are the responsibility of your mother, and she may do as she wishes.


I'm sure it was not what she wanted to hear. It was what she needed to hear.

I hate adults. ::walks away::

... You're amazing, you know.

Yes, I know.
Boo! · 5 spooks

093: Two In Love Can Make It, Take My Heart But Please Don't Break It. [
Thursday March 2, 2006

Snape and Sarah are sitting at the kitchen table, twiddling their thumbs and whistling nonchalantly. When you're stuck in a house (by force or by force of someone who's there by force), you run out of things to do - and quick.

How long's it been?

Hrm... I lost count. Weeks, at least.

Maybe the owl died...?

No, I saw him this morning.

So... What do you want to do?

I don't know. What do you want to do?

Be decisive, woman!

::muttering:: Yeah, I'll decisive you...

What was that?

::smiling brightly:: Nothing, darling. Have you seen Draco lately?

Dissecting things.


Silence. They go back to their twiddling and whistling.

Life at Sarah's sure has gotten boring. Whatever could you do to relieve the situation?
Boo! · 4 spooks

092: Sleep Now And Jesus Will Come, Dear. [
Wednesday February 22, 2006

Dear Snape,

Four years ago I developed feelings for my teacher. He's grown to care about me too. He hasn't been my prof for two years. I graduated school this summer. Problem is, if we became an item he could still get in trouble because there were rumors about us while he was my teacher {no-one would believe we didn't do anything inappropriate}. He's a very moral man. I don't want to hurt him but its been years & I haven't stopped caring. I thought he'd be over me after not having seen each other for 7 months but I found out he wasn't.

Should I give up forever or do something? I bailed when he gave me an opportunity to talk to him about this - because I didn't want to put him in danger.

Confucked at the confusion of it all


Go for it.

How can you advise her to do that?

You were MY Potions professor. For all seven years I was at school. My first year at Hogwarts was your first year teaching. Surely you remember. Once I blew up three desks in your classroom on a dare.

Yes, I KNOW you were my pupil, Sarah.

I like that. Can I call you 'Professor'?


So, wait, if she was your student, do you think I have a chance with...?

I can assure you, boy, Sinistra will not lay a cheaply-manicured hand on you, no matter how hard you may beg.


I know. What good are attractive teachers if you can't get in their robes, right?

I'll ignore that.

Good, I wasn't talking about you. Oh, and Confucked? The university ca't do anything without proof that he touched you while you were under his tutelage.
Boo! · 2 spooks

091: Autocratic Impulses. [
Friday February 17, 2006

Dear Snape,

Why did you kill Dumbledore? I liked him-- he twinkled.


- Missing the Sparkly Codger

Well, Missing, I -

What was that?

I'm not sure. All I was going to do was say that I -

Apparently you can't say that.

This is ridiculous. I can say whatever I want, like -

For merlin's sake, Severus, stop!


Sorry, Missing, it looks like Severus can't answer your question.
Boo! · 6 spooks

090: I'm The Only Gay Eskimo, I'm The Only One I Know. [
Sunday February 12, 2006

Dear Sarah, Snape & Draco,

this question to all three of you:

---Fill In The Blank And Explain--

"I'm too sexy for my __________."

Love And Crazed Fandom,

Pants. As in, I'm not wearing any.

Shut up. You are so, and they're sticking out of your trousers.

Damn. ::rectifies the issue::

Um, I'm too sexy for... hrm. I'm not sure. Maybe your mother.

This is imbecilic.


It's moronic!


I refuse.

::glares meaningfully:: ANSWER.

::huffs:: What do you want me to say?


That WON'T get me killed?

Oh, I highly doubt anyone who reads this would kill you. Tom is not reading this thing.


Excuse me?

::overenunciating:: Dark Mark. I'm too sexy for my Dark Mark. Happy?

Quite. ::takes his arm and grins smugly::

::has finally finished adjusting his knickers:: What'd I miss?

You know, straightening your pants and going on vacation are different things.
Boo! · 13 spooks

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